Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize