Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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