I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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