You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
