Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
