How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
