I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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