I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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