I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
