Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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