hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Princesses don't give blow jobs
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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