; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
