My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Please don't give away my fajitas
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
