Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
