Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize