Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
