I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
