Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I know her cup size but not her name....
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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