I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
