your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
