Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize