Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
