I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Randomize
