The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
