sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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