1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize