i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
