I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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