If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
