but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Randomize
