ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
