Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
