he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Shame is for Republicans.
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