I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
