Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
How naked do you want me to be?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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