I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
