the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Randomize
