My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Randomize
