so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
