I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Plan B is the new Plan A
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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