Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize