Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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