I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
