i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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