oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
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