so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
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