By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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