I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
