She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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