the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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