So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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