the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
