You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
