My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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