He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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