Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Panties = found
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
