Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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