her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
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