just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
