Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
