Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize