omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize