hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I CAN MOONWALK!
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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